Dear Mommy,
I started this blog for a few reasons. One was as a way to stay in touch with and share my journey with my people around the world. Another reason was for it serve as an ongoing journal. Another, to document my journey of self-discovery and healing. But there are some days, it doesn't serve any other purpose other than for me to put words down on paper (or in this case, keyboard to laptop screen). Words that can't seem to find a meaning, or have yet to fully heal, transition into a great thought, or be fully absorbed for me to be able to move on.
At this moment though, my thoughts are pretty clear. CANCER SUCKS. or as the popular hashtag goes #f***cancer. This disease, like so many other diseases out there, continues to break my heart over and over and over again.
I was naive. I may still be naive. But, I hate knowing, watching, feeling, and living the life of someone who has lost someone to cancer. someone who has way too many friends that have lost someone to cancer. Simply put, I hate it.
I am not one who uses the word 'hate' lightly. I don't have enemies. There are foods I dislike, but none that I hate (well...unless you count cilantro, because no one, and I mean no one, likes to eat something that tastes like soap). I'm pretty open to trying new things. I have dislikes, sure. I'm not crazy. But, there's not many things in this world that I absolutely hate. And for that I am grateful. I don't carry around this big weight of grudges, or anger, or passion so negative it overwhelms me. But this cancer thing...well, I really, really hate it.
I try not to dwell on the things I've lost or the things that have been taken away from me. That just isn't healthy or productive. Instead, I've chosen to put those energies into creating new things. New opportunities, new ideas, (not great at making new friends, but energies going there as well), new lessons, and new attitudes.
Fortunately, I am human. I do feel. I do have emotions. I do see the bigger world. the bigger picture. and I see that there is more. But every once in a while, I get a sharp jolt within me that brings me back to that dark side of being human. The struggles. The sensitivities. The fears. The heartbreak. The loss. And I remember how much I really. and I mean really hate disease. specifically, cancer.
I've learned a lot over the last few years in terms of emotional management, stress, positive mentality, outlook on life. But, my thought process on cancer, well, I don't anticipate that changing any time soon.
This was a little bit of a rant. I admit that. it might not have a strong lesson or even a strong point. But it does give me a place to put thought to paper. realize what I have been holding on to. acknowledge the pain and frustration behind it.
Thank you for staying with me on this journey. Thank you for being there. I continue to learn and understand more from each of you every day. and for that I am forever grateful.
and now I would like to leave you with this practice- one we have all heard before. But it never ceases to be useful.
A Breath Mantra:
Inhale: I'm breathing in positive loving energy.
Exhale: I'm releasing negative energy that no longer serves me.
sending all the love and healing around the world <3
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