Dear Mommy,
Today you would have both laughed, loved, and told me I was crazy. It was 2pm, 80 something degrees off the beach, little humid, and I went for a 2 mile run to the beach. Sat down, listened to Brene Brown's podcast 'Unlocking Us With Brene Brown' and tanned. And then ran 2 miles back home. And I loved every minute of it.
Thinking of the conversation between Brene Brown and Glennon Doyle about 'Untamed" I found myself thinking about my last 9 months here in Israel. While running back, sweat pouring down my face, sand all over the place, and me just plodding along one foot after the other, I am happy. I have worked my ass off over the last 9 months to build a career that I live in the minute for each and every day. I hustle. I'm slowly building up a friend base. I get to see my sister and family all the time. And while I may still be writing my love story, I am strong and I am happy. I've been fighting my feelings at least for the last 4 years if not more. And I finally feel like im not living to prove my worth. A friend recently reminded me that I write my own narrative. I dictate the terms of my life, my worth.
I think some part of my Aliyah process was to prove to my 18 year old self that I could do it. That the promise I made 12 years ago was real. But I also feel at some point like I needed to prove I could do it my dad (and my mom). And to the world around me. But today, while running back home from the beach, I felt no weight on my shoulders. No burden to try to prove my worth to someone else. Each step, each drop of sweat, the desire to keep one foot moving forward even when part of my mind was saying no. The intrinsic motivation to keep going forward is what has gotten me here to this place in time in my life.
I am in the best shape I have been in since Coach Walker made our girls' basketball team run 13 suicides in a row. I lift weights, I run, I jump, and play sports. I am training and shaping and watching my clients' grow and become stronger each day. I teach 3-5 year olds how to get back up when they fall down, and kick the soccer ball, and be awesome. And I get to run to the beach in the middle of the day. My life is crazy and all over the place. And I hustle every day. But I love every piece of it.
Our world may be suffering in so many ways right now. There is so much up in the air. So many questions and unknowns. I can't go back to that feeling of uncertainty and unknown. Those two words hold a lot of weight in my life. But instead, I am choosing to find my blessings in this craziness. To find my wins and my community during this time. Thank you for sharing in my growth. And thank you for being a part of my community.
Keep wearing your masks! Keep staying healthy. Safe. And let's learn and grow together. <3
Look at you and how much you've grown. While the rest of us always knew your worth (in fact, never doubted it) YOU now know it. Beyond wonderful.. xoxo